12 dec. 2008 9.35 p.m. [things aren't the way we want]

[I was walking at night and thought of going into bars, just sit down alone and have a drink with friendly, absent strangers around me. I realized, of course, that it was a bad joke. Strangers are rarely absent and friendly in a sanitary, disinterested way, they never mind their own business. There’s nobody around me for a long time, it’s GhostVille for I don’t know how long, didn’t notice before. I’m gonna do it. I can’t fix the date, 'cause that would be hilarious. Otherwise, it will be just me, in a disgusting new skin, wrinkled around the mouth; I see no “benefits” and hidden joys in being like that. I know it’s just a new interface; it’s just that I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with it. Like: ME talking to other heads. Me developing affection that lasts for 2 weeks, tops. Me melting while 30-something-guy is telling me, after he’s had a few drinks, that he’s depressed and will spend New Year’s Eve alone – I can’t help feeling sorry for him, even though I know my compassion is useless.
(My head of metal is digging my own hole. I don't like it like that, who likes to fall.)
I know what it will be like: just another mess, ‘however old and wise’: stories that didn’t help me in any way. Blurred blackish water in which I can’t distinguish anything. Wasted biological information, the Earth revolves around its axis. Tunes from a radio that I’d hear sometimes louder and high-pitched, sometimes mumbling as if from under water.]

stealth settings

purple plush

What do I see?
purple plush gasoline and broken furniture
2 hands touching 2 soft, naked nipples,
thinking about obscene lines like
“jonny slut sucks cocks in hell”
A boy dressed only in pants, eating something in a rush,


running out the door. Lighting a cigarette *I can’t spot the trademark, though I’d like to.

did he leave the light/heating on/water flowing.

If there’ d be a pill, a pink one, I’d want it to make him dream naïve painting-dreams, red plucked chicken on a plate, in front of a winter landscape with snow.

What I want is to be at the monitor connected to a hidden CCTV and see him when he gets hyped sometimes. Huge screens instead of walls, watching his blue and white moves. When he positions himself in his favorite corner of the bed. I want to see the look on his face when he listens to the exact same tune each day and moves around the room at the rhythm.

I like these scenes so much I’d like to highlight my favorite parts with a fluorescent green marker.
lurk (lûrk) Pronunciation Key
intr.v. lurked, lurk•ing, lurks

1. To lie in wait, as in ambush.
2. To move furtively; sneak.
3. To exist unobserved or unsuspected

I don’t believe in complete dedication anymore, but I make languid sounds of pleasure , I lick the screen as an animal tricked by it senses when he speaks.